Caligula the mad emperor and Nero the embittered goose sit on a bench in front of an office building in midtown Manhattan.
CALIGULA: Well, even the Roman empire didn’t last forever.
NERO: That was a lazy and unfunny reference, not to mention completely off-scale for what we’re supposed to be discussing now.
CALIGULA: You calling me out on it isn’t impressing anyone either.
NERO: Well as long as I’m calling everyone on their shit I think we deserve to understand your role on this blog a little more. I mean, pretty much everything about you made no sense. Were people supposed to believe you’re an immortal? That you’d survived the assassination attempt 2000 years ago and had just slummed around ever since?
CALIGULA: I guess I never thought about that. Didn’t seem important, though. And how about you? I never understood why, in your entries, animals seemed to be half-integrated into the human world, almost like Muppets. You even held down a temp job for a while.
NERO: I’d like to forget that place, if you don’t mind.
CALIGULA: The problem as I see it is that we were misunderstood. People kept begging me for advice on all sorts of sexual aberrations, but I wanted them to understand that the joy of perversion is all about figuring it out as you go! There’s no “right” way to be depraved.
NERO: And I learned that no one cares about the plight of certain malign waterfowl. I was glad I had a chance to expose so much prejudice, but it’s still rampant. My species is always the odd one out. Ever played Duck Duck Goose?
CALIGULA: Oh, really, don’t start now, you honking eunuch of a beast.
NERO: I’m going to assume that word I don’t know is an insult. (Starts pecking Caligula)
CALIGULA: (choking Nero) I hope you ate recently, because I’m having pâté tonight!
Then the window-washer platform falls off the building and lands on the bickering pair, killing them instantly. Luckily no window washers were on it at the time.
GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR “CALIGULA” AUGUSTUS GERMANICUS
12 A.D. – 2008 A.D.
1994 A.D. – 2008 A.D.
PS — Watch for the announcement of a new and radically different blog coming soon. Or go to hell.