Dark Bite

23 07 2008

Dear Batman,

While I really appreciate all you’re doing for the city in vigilantia, I must take umbrage at the tactics enacted by your person at the orphanage fire last night.  Fine, yes, you got me: I was engaging in acts of nihilistic and bottomless evil.  But when I gained a temporary advantage in the battle—namely, a half-nelson headlock you were sure to lose consciousness during—was it really appropriate to sink your teeth into my exposed forearm?

As such a dubious force for good, should you really be risking a venture into more gray territory?  You and I are less dissimilar than you think—I have some boy slaves of my own (though I haven’t dressed them up in anything nearly so campy, you’ve clearly outsickoed me in that department), and I suspect your alter-ego may have as much money in the bank as this comfortable emperor.  So why the eagerness to get your saliva into my bloodstream?  It’s childish, unsportsmanlike, goes against all sorts of health standards.  I can only hope you meant it as a symbolic gesture, in which case, of course I’ll be your wife, you silly flying rodent.

With confusing quantities of love and spite,

Caligula

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