Hold On A Sec

22 07 2008

Wait … did you just say ‘war’?  War?  What war?  Where?  No, man, that happened already, like—wow, must have been almost seventeen years ago now.  Hm?  No, jeez, yeah, I know it’s confusing in that region, what a fucking hellhole, but trust me, we got out of Iraq like almost two decades ago, so no need to—you really believe what you’re saying, don’t you.  Buddy, there was no reason to go to—okay, so you agree there was no cause to start a war with them, so how would—Huh?  They knew that and they declared war anyway? No, who would be that retarded?  Hah!  Okay, now I know for sure you’re talking about 1991—Bush hasn’t been president for a long time, you know.  Yeah, yeah, Saddam and all that.  I think you’re just a little mixed up, because lately Saddam hasn’t been doing anything, really.  You know that for a fact, do you?  How’s that? Dead?  Hm, first I’ve heard of it.  Ah, those dictators, always dying comfortably on their beds of old age. Hanged?  What the fuck, seriously?  When did that happen?  It’s on fucking YouTube?  That’s not funny, dude.  The troops are in Afghanistan, where the Taliban were based—hello, we’re trying to get the scumbags responsible for 9/11.  America thinks what?  Nobody is that stupid.  Well, maybe some people, but—god, put the pie charts away, I can’t look at those numbers.  You are goddamned sick.  This isn’t possible.  It would have been on the TV news.  President Clinton would have been impeached.  What?  He was??  For WHAT??  And he’s not even president anymore??!  What do you mean we live in a mostly benevolent but deeply fascist state???!! CAN A GOOSE GO OUT DRINKING FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS WITHOUT THE WORLD CRUMBLING DOWN AROUND HIM I MEAN FUCK



Ruffled Feathers

4 06 2008

Terrible news for Hillary Rodham Clinton today. That’s right: Big Bird has now tainted her candidacy in a way even Reverend Wright must be impressed with.

Just when we were moving past the offensive phrase “flipping the bird”

Tabloid readers will be familiar with this shot of the far-left fringe educationalist saluting the paparazzi after running over a boy crossing the street on foot because he donated his bike-fund money to HRC’s campaign. And my fans will remember me blowing the lid off of the fraternization between this piss-colored monster and Hillary herself back at the height of her cookie-baking powers.

It just keeps getting worse. I mean, Bert and Ernie’s gay marriage in Los Angeles this past week was a beautiful thing, and a long time coming. But no sooner had that holy ceremony taken place than a certain disgrace to the whole avian community was throwing a lavish, key-swapping swingers party on the beach to directly undermine the idea of homosexual monogamy itself.

And if the classical Greek-style nude statues that urinated Stoli vodka are any indication, this party was paid for by money embezzled from PBS. It’s safe to say that if Hillary doesn’t address the Big Bird connection soon, she’ll never clinch this nomination.


Hank the Yank

14 05 2008

Those of you presumptuous mammals that thought Hank the secretly insecure hawk was not your problem, take note: no longer is Manhattan’s biggest red-tailed bully limiting himself to a singular abhorrent brand of bird-on-bird violence.

Weirder and wilder still, he’s upping the ante on New York pride. But you wouldn’t know that from the biased Boston Globe account…

A certain New York Yankee slugger should beware: A student taking a tour of Fenway Park today was attacked by a red-tailed hawk that [drew] blood from the girl’s scalp.

Her name: Alexa Rodriguez. Her age: 13, the same jersey number the Yankee third baseman wears.

“She’s fine, a little shaken, but OK,” said Vince Jennetta, a teacher who chaperoned Rodriguez’s class trip from Memorial Boulevard Middle School in Bristol, Conn.

As a goose that knows Hank well, I think I can shed a little light on this incident. Hank, like most assholes in the area, is actually a die-hard Yankee supporter. It’s so like him to fly all the way to Beantown just to talon up a New England girl who dared to have a name and age vaguely linking her to his beloved third baseman. This is what I’m saying people, the guy is disturbed. He’s a menace. And as glad as I am to see humans getting picked on, I’m too scared to wear my Mets cap.

Your Fucked Up Children

30 04 2008

I was actually in a pretty good mood this morning.  I’d gotten back late the night before from a show at Death By Audio in Brooklyn, and a heady dose of speed-metal was exactly what I’d needed after recovering from being poisoned by the NYC’s Parks Dept.   Hell, I thought, my life might be hard, but here I am with a bunch of hideously proportioned 20something-but-look-40something hipsters that reek of Tom’s All-Natural B.O.-Amplifying Oderant, who despite having their ear drums lacerated by singular walls of sound are just standing there, numb.  Maybe we geese don’t got it so bad, I mused.

Wrong: Take it away, Palm Beach Post—


March 20, 2008


Judge Nancy Perez set bail this morning at $8,000 and ordered house arrest for a teary-eyed 18-year-old accused of beating a goose to death with two friends.

Anthony Karney’s lawyer said he is a student at Palm Beach Community College and works part-time, living an “exemplary life” since the alleged goose attack in December.

Perez ordered Karney, who lives in suburban Boynton Beach, to stay out of the neighborhood west of Lake Worth where Lily the goose was considered a pet.

Karney is charged along with two others in the goose’s death.

The judge set the same bail for codefendent Bradley Trout, 17, got the same bail. He also had a private lawyer, who said Trout is set to graduate from high school in May. Trout’s parents were in the courtroom to support him and encourage the judge to send him home, but they left without commenting.

Trout also is from suburban Boynton Beach.

A third defendent in the case, Christopher Mullan, 19, of suburban Lake Worth was not in court today.

Police who arrested all three this week say they beat and kicked to death the family pet, holding the dying animal by the neck as they drove off with her.

The scene in the Palm Beach courtroom.

The goose, which would sit on her owner’s lap and play in the pool with children, was found blocks away from her home days before Christmas with a broken neck and bashed-in skull.

All three defendents are charged with cruelty to an animal, a felony. Trout is being charged as an adult.

The detective who made the case got a tip that the three had bragged about the fun of beating a goose and built a case over three months from their conflicting stories.

All have admitted to participating in the attack, he said.

“Even after numerous interviews, I still can’t come up with the mental process that led them to do this for fun,” Palm Beach County sheriff’s Detective Frank Walters said Wednesday.

Andrew Paolilli, 19, of Palm Springs drove the others to the suburban Lantana neighborhood where the white goose with red-painted toenails was something of a mascot. He did not get out of the car during the incident and has not been charged.

The group pulled up to the street with an aluminum baseball bat around 2:30 a.m. Dec. 17, according to arrest reports. The three chased and kicked the goose and took turns swinging the bat at Lily’s head, the reports said. Paolilli told Walters he could hear the ping of the bat every time it hit.

Lily was dazed and bleeding but alive when neighbor Robert Capi saw the three chasing the bird and approached the car Paolilli sat in. Trout jumped in, “holding the goose out the window by its neck to avoid getting any blood on the inside of the car,” Walters wrote.

The group drove to a nearby subdivision, where they threw Lily on the road. Karney beat her head with the bat until she died, the report said.

A woman in another subdivision found the body, noticed the bird’s red painted toenails, and called Lily’s owner, Debbie Parker, when she read a Palm Beach Post story about the missing bird.

Images of what happened to her family’s pet replay through her mind, Parker said Wednesday.

“I’ll be relieved when they go to jail,” Parker said. “How can a human being do something like this for fun?”


How indeed.  Lily probably owed money all over Palm Beach, but that doesn’t make this any less of a hate crime.  RIP, Lily—even the most likable goose brings out murderous rage in humans.

Strange Bedfellows

24 04 2008

You’ve probably noticed that I am one bitter goose.  What I mean is, yes, I support Hillary Clinton.  Almost as much as I support Tom Petty (best Superbowl halftime show ever).  So you can imagine how happy the Pennsylvania primary victory bash made me.  I had been expecting the “Rocky” theme song again, which is thematically great and all, but standing there in that Best Buy I’d waddled into to watch the returns, seeing her enter to “I Won’t Back Down,” I started honking so emotionally that a couple of stock boys chased me out onto Lexington Avenue.  It was a beautiful night, and I was drunk.

But today I saw something that turned my world upside down.

Hillary panders to the muppet demographic.

That’s right—sickening evidence, ignored by the useless mainstream media, that my beloved candidate once fraternized with a monstrous yellow freak who has said such unpatriotic things as: “Asking questions is a good way to find things out.”  Does that vertically elitist thing want to destroy America or what?  Keep your beak out of the government’s business, bird.  And unless Hillary rejects and denounces those treasonous attitudes, well, let’s just say I’m a feather away from voting Ron Paul.