The Labyrinth 2.0

17 07 2008

What brutal sprawls of twisted deathmaze encroach on our precious isle of Manhattan!  What beast-infested nooks and crannies where taxis dare not roam!  What great food-trapping beards that outgristle and outgrease any post-coital Minotaur!  What cheap and chokesome wat’ry beers!  What uninspired zombie throngs that barely conceal contempt for opening bands that aren’t half bad!  What bony, unwashed sternums unearthed by plunging V-neck collars!     

Sign marking the condemned’s entrance to their existential Inferno

To think, that even I, Caligula, could find myself in that phantom world of non-dreams and overshopping at Trader Joe’s, merely by falling asleep on the B train en route to Urban Outfitters, is too hellish an ordeal to dwell on. The human disease, thy name is Brooklyn. I shall have to put the episode behind me if I stand any chance of recovery. But the memories of clove-breath and misappropriations of irony, the gnarled syntax and pizza parlor stabbings, will haunt me for a lifetime, nay, into the afterlife.  

To say nothing of the short stories that hold together about as well as a fistful of diarrhea.  

—Caligula

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Seeing Red

2 06 2008

I have a Pinkerton tattoo under my left wing. I lost my virginity to “El Scorcho.” I wish I looked like Buddy Holly, even tried wearing non-prescription glasses. Rivers Cuomo is a friend of mine.

None of this saves their comeback—the so-called “Red Album”—from being a little disappointing. But how fuckin’ DARE Pitchforkmedia give it a 4.7?!! SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT YOU OVERLITERATE LES SAVY FAV-FELLATING COPYWRITER SCUM

Don’t kick someone when they’re already mustachioed

4.7. Seriously. 4.7: less than exactly mediocre. 4.7: the equivalent of Pedro the Lion’s “Achilles Heel”. 4.7: One-tenth of a point below Two Ton Boa’s self-titled EP. I have no idea who these bands are, but they’re no company for the chugging 90s power-pop that soundtracked flight academy for me. They should have broken the 9.0 ceiling on nostalgia alone. But I guess some critics are hankering for the end of culture and civilization. You hipsters go have fun handjobbing each other to Vampire Weekend—I’ll be rocking out “In The Garage.”

—Nero





Your Fucked Up Children

30 04 2008

I was actually in a pretty good mood this morning.  I’d gotten back late the night before from a show at Death By Audio in Brooklyn, and a heady dose of speed-metal was exactly what I’d needed after recovering from being poisoned by the NYC’s Parks Dept.   Hell, I thought, my life might be hard, but here I am with a bunch of hideously proportioned 20something-but-look-40something hipsters that reek of Tom’s All-Natural B.O.-Amplifying Oderant, who despite having their ear drums lacerated by singular walls of sound are just standing there, numb.  Maybe we geese don’t got it so bad, I mused.

Wrong: Take it away, Palm Beach Post—

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March 20, 2008

BAIL SET FOR TWO OF THREE SUSPECTS IN BEATING DEATH OF FAMILY’S GOOSE

Judge Nancy Perez set bail this morning at $8,000 and ordered house arrest for a teary-eyed 18-year-old accused of beating a goose to death with two friends.

Anthony Karney’s lawyer said he is a student at Palm Beach Community College and works part-time, living an “exemplary life” since the alleged goose attack in December.

Perez ordered Karney, who lives in suburban Boynton Beach, to stay out of the neighborhood west of Lake Worth where Lily the goose was considered a pet.

Karney is charged along with two others in the goose’s death.

The judge set the same bail for codefendent Bradley Trout, 17, got the same bail. He also had a private lawyer, who said Trout is set to graduate from high school in May. Trout’s parents were in the courtroom to support him and encourage the judge to send him home, but they left without commenting.

Trout also is from suburban Boynton Beach.

A third defendent in the case, Christopher Mullan, 19, of suburban Lake Worth was not in court today.

Police who arrested all three this week say they beat and kicked to death the family pet, holding the dying animal by the neck as they drove off with her.

The scene in the Palm Beach courtroom.

The goose, which would sit on her owner’s lap and play in the pool with children, was found blocks away from her home days before Christmas with a broken neck and bashed-in skull.

All three defendents are charged with cruelty to an animal, a felony. Trout is being charged as an adult.

The detective who made the case got a tip that the three had bragged about the fun of beating a goose and built a case over three months from their conflicting stories.

All have admitted to participating in the attack, he said.

“Even after numerous interviews, I still can’t come up with the mental process that led them to do this for fun,” Palm Beach County sheriff’s Detective Frank Walters said Wednesday.

Andrew Paolilli, 19, of Palm Springs drove the others to the suburban Lantana neighborhood where the white goose with red-painted toenails was something of a mascot. He did not get out of the car during the incident and has not been charged.

The group pulled up to the street with an aluminum baseball bat around 2:30 a.m. Dec. 17, according to arrest reports. The three chased and kicked the goose and took turns swinging the bat at Lily’s head, the reports said. Paolilli told Walters he could hear the ping of the bat every time it hit.

Lily was dazed and bleeding but alive when neighbor Robert Capi saw the three chasing the bird and approached the car Paolilli sat in. Trout jumped in, “holding the goose out the window by its neck to avoid getting any blood on the inside of the car,” Walters wrote.

The group drove to a nearby subdivision, where they threw Lily on the road. Karney beat her head with the bat until she died, the report said.

A woman in another subdivision found the body, noticed the bird’s red painted toenails, and called Lily’s owner, Debbie Parker, when she read a Palm Beach Post story about the missing bird.

Images of what happened to her family’s pet replay through her mind, Parker said Wednesday.

“I’ll be relieved when they go to jail,” Parker said. “How can a human being do something like this for fun?”

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How indeed.  Lily probably owed money all over Palm Beach, but that doesn’t make this any less of a hate crime.  RIP, Lily—even the most likable goose brings out murderous rage in humans.