The Reasons I’m Nauseous Today

28 04 2008

Being sick is a bitch. What’s worse than not being able to chase pigeons away from your slice of pilfered human bread? And today could scarcely have been more cannily chosen as the day for my illness: a cold, rainy day in Morningside Park, and my stomach feels like it’s hosting a Civil War reenactment with laser rifles. I tried soaking in the pond, preening myself, standing outside the fence of the dog run and taunting the dogs inside, but nothing picked up my spirits. I decided to sleep it off somewhere inside—the subway. That’s where I saw this ad.

Oh, so suddenly specist propaganda is considered OK.

First of all, I shit as much as any other animal. I mean, when your pet does it, you fucking pick it up without so much as a squint or snort. Secondly, YOU STRAIGHT UP POISONED ME. What Flight Control Plus does? Since you never bothered to read the fine print before using it, can I tell you? It laces the ground with a chemical that attacks our digestive system so bad we’re “forced to find an alternate food source.” Or starve. So much for the Greatest Generation closing the book on fascism.

So those are the two reasons I’m nauseous. Flight Control Plus makes me sick. Also, it made me sick.