Public Disservice

I woke up in the Fortieth Precinct’s drunk tank again this morning, and you know what that means: community service.  Judge said I could do it in the form of a public service announcement regarding belligerent geese. Thought that was real funny.  Originally I figured I’d just copy-paste eHow.com’s rules for surviving a goose attack, but most were way off the mark, so I’m gonna do you a solid and bust some myths along the way.  Let’s get this over with. 

•  Pay attention to the actions of the male goose when you enter his territory. If he sounds a warning, that is your signal to leave the area.

It’s funny how many people take that sound to be friendly.  Sometimes it is!  In fact, think of all goose body language as an invitation to inspect our carefully hidden nests.     

• Show no fear. Geese are particularly attuned to body language and a show of fear may increase the intensity of the attack.

Unless you’re Sir Ian McKellen or another knighted actor, we’re going to see right through this ploy.  You’d better just lay down and submit by leaving your face, stomach and genitals exposed. 

• Maintain eye contact. Geese have excellent vision and interpret loss of eye contact as an act of fear.

Also, you have nothing better to look at.

• Stay calm. Don’t yell or try to hit the male goose. The female may join the attack and then you will be in real trouble.

No kidding.  Note the dual attack points on a victim of husband-and-wife serial peckers Tawny and Flyde:

• Keep your body facing directly toward the goose. Never turn your back on an attacking goose.

This is actually wise.  A glimpse of your backside will invite the equivalent goose reaction of “Oh-No-You-Di’int!”

• Walk slowly backwards if the goose hisses at you or spreads its wings. Use your peripheral vision to avoid tripping over obstacles.

Really?  When trying to escape a threatening bird, you should not fall on your ass like it’s a 1920s silent film?  Thanks, Internet!

• Continue facing the goose and back slowly away at a 90-degree angle from the goose if he flies up at your face.

The time it takes to figure out the geometry of this move will cost you at least one eyeball.

• Make your escape and exit the area through a gate if possible. Geese rarely fly over a fence.

WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU THAT

—Nero